In a dad-a-base

Here are safe jokes to enjoy with the family! We were going to tell you these a-maize-ing jokes, but be warned, they are corny. 

> I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

> A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

> I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

> Mum said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

> Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

> I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.

> Mum texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.

> I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

> Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

> A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.

> We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

> It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

> At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

> My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

> I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

> I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

> Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.

> The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

> Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!

> Mum says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

> I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

> I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

> I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Try set-up jokes! 

Q: What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A: rocket chip!

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
A: Because she was stuffed.

Q: What has ears but cannot hear?
A: Cornfield.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between us, something smells!


Q: Why did the police play baseball?
A: He wanted to get a catch!

Q: Why are balloons so expensive?
A: Inflation.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?
A: The outside!

Q: Why did an old man fall in a well?
A: Because he couldn’t see that well!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh.

Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can’t jump.

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?
A: They work on many levels.

A: Why are peppers the best at archery?
B: Because they habanero.

Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he Neverlands.

Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
A: Live stream it.

Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
A: It was very sweepy.

Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
A: Because they often have to draw blood.

Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?
A: Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.

Q: What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
A: Anna One, Anna Two

Q: Why is the cow always smiling?
A: It’s in a good mooood I guess.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”
A: When it becomes apparent.

_{Source: Good House Keeping & Red Tricycle}